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Artist's Commentary
Helping Hands

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
-Katherine Hepburn

And some of us are willing to give it a helping hand if it seems to be slacking off on its job.

Published March 22, 2010

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Fling, Flang, Flung

He flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
-Stephen Leacock

Perception doesn't have to line up with reality. If it did, we'd never get up in the morning, we'd never dream impossible dreams, we'd never vote for a single politician.

Published March 29, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Emperor In Chief

Trivia question: who

Failed in business----------------------------------1831
Defeated for legislature------------------------------1832
Failed in business again------------------------------1833
Elected to legislature---------------------------------1834
Sweetheart died----------------------------------------1835
Nervous breakdown----------------------------------1836
Defeated for speaker----------------------------------1838
Defeated for land officer-----------------------------1843
Defeated for congress---------------------------------1843
Elected to congress-----------------------------------1846
Defeated for re-election------------------------------1848
Defeated for senate-----------------------------------1855
Defeated for vice president--------------------------1856
Defeated for senate-----------------------------------1858
Elected President-------------------------------------1860

Answer: Abraham Lincoln

Failure is success if we learn from it.
-Malcolm Forbes

So, okay, Dorf hasn't quite learned anything yet. But, if he does, he'll probably wind up becoming emperor of the world.

Published April 5, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
'Twas Too

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

Published April 12, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Infinity Minus One

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein

Published April 19, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
One Plus One

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
-Scott Adams

Well, unless it's maybe a pair of them.

Published April 26, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
When You Care Enough To Give The Best

If it's been a while since you branded any of your cattle, kittens, canaries, puppies; children, wives, husbands or goldfishes, you might want to re-familiarize yourself with the plethora of design choices out there. In order to do that you'll need to be literate in the lexicon of the branding arts.

Numbers and letters can be turned 90 degrees, reversed, or upright so that the characters appear lazy, crazy, normal.

Below are a list of terms:
a. Upright symbols are normal.
b. Reversed symbols, e.g. "Crazy pippin_and_maxx_comic_archive_k" are called "Crazy".
c. A symbol turned 90 degrees are called "Lazy", e.g., pippin_and_maxx_arts_entertainment_comic_archive_5"Lazy 5"
d. A long serif or horizontal line that starts and ends a brand are called "Flying".
e. Two horizontal lines combined is called a "Double Flying".
f. A "Rocking" is a symbol set on top of a quarter circle.
g. A "Bar" is a symbol preceded or followed by a horizontal line, e.g. "bar M" or "M bar."
h. Guess what two quarter circles or two horizontal bars would be called.
i. A symbol within a square or rectangle is referred to as a "Box".
j. A symbol within a circle is a "Circle".

Combinations of symbols can be made with each symbol distinct, or:
a. With the symbols touching, (pippin_and_maxx_arts_entertainment_comic_archive_tm) "Connected"
b. If the symbols are partially overlaid, pippin_and_maxx_arts_entertainment_comic_archive_"Combined or conjoined"
c. "Hanging": symbols are touching, but arranged top to bottom.

When I'm branding, I just go with a portrait of myself. I figure if you're going to take the time to brand your loved ones, why not give them the best.

Published May 3, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
This Will Be On The Test

The mass of the Sun is 1.98892 x 1030 kilograms or 4.3 x 1030 pounds. That's one solar mass. A solar radius is 690,000 km or 432,000 miles. That's one solar radius.

Right now, the smallest known star is a red dwarf which is part of a binary stellar system. It goes by the rather quaint name of OGLE-TR-122b. It is a mere 0.12 solar radii, or 167,000 km. That's only 20% larger than Jupiter, but it has 100 times the mass.

The largest star we know of right now is VY Canis Majori, a red hypergiant. It is located about 5,000 light years from Earth. It is calculated to be between 1800 and 2100 solar radii, or 1800 to 2100 times the size of our sun. If it were located where our sun is it today, that would put its surface somewhere outside the orbit of Saturn. But it is probably only about 25 times the mass of the sun.

For those of you wondering, this will be on your final exam and will count for approximately 3.9824824 x 105 of your final grade.

 

Published May 10, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Call The CDC

Misery is a communicable disease.
Martha Graham

Published May 17, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
It's My Opinion and You're Wrong

In listing the greatest cowboys who ever lived, one of my all time favorites, Hoss Cartwright, just made it into the top five, John Wayne was, of course, the first four. For your enlightenment, I've included a list, in no particular order, of a few more.

MIchael Landon - Little Joe Cartwright "Bonanza"

Lorne Green - Ben Cartwright "Bonanza"

Clint Walker - Cheyenne Bodie "Cheyenne"

George Francis Hayes - Gabby Hayes Character actor

Clint Eastwood - Rowdy Yates "Rawride"

Dean Martin - Dude (Borachon) "Rio Bravo"

Elvis, YES, I SAID ELVIS, Presly - Clint Reno "Love Me Tender"

Chuck Connors - Lucas McCain "The Rifleman" and Jason McCord "Branded"

Forrest Tucker - Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke "F-Troop"

Larry Storch - Cpl. Randolph Agarn "F-Troop"

Richard Boone - Paladin "Have Gun, Will Travel"

Gene Barry - Bat Masterson - "Bat Masterson"

James Arness - Matt Dillon "Gunsmoke"

James Garner - Maverick "Maverick"

Any of those guys from the 30's, 40's, and 50's weren't counted because they were before my time, and since I didn't see them, they couldn't possibly be in the top anything.

Of course, you're welcome to your own list, but just keep this in mind; this one was created in a totally scientific manner with charts and graphs and statics and all sorts of stuff.

Lastly, no cowgirls were listed because, by definition, THEY'RE GIRLS! For that list you'll have to hang around for another couple of weeks.

Published May 24, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Her Bite Is Worse Than Her Bark

Below is a partial list of the greatest cowgirls who ever lived. The list is substantially smaller than the list of the greatest cowboys who ever lived because the very premise of most westerns is that the mother dies and the family of men have to struggle on without them. In the Rifleman, Lucas McCain's wife is dead. In The High Chaparral, Big John Cannon's first wife is dead, but replaced by Victoria, a.k.a. Linda Cristal. A wedding ring from Ben Cartwright was about like being beamed down to a strange planet wearing a red shirt in any Star Trek episode, it was the kiss of death. Ben Cartwright, three stiffs, I mean brides, and counting.

Anyway, what these rawhide babes lack in number, they make up for in sheer force of personality. One of my favorites, Victoria Cannon, Hollywood's original Hispanic babe import, didn't take any guff from anyone, least of all the towering, brooding, bully-of-a-husband, Big John Cannon.

F-Troop would have long ago been scalped, covered in honey, and buried up to their neck in fire ants had it not been for the ever vigilant Wrangler Jane. But the all time Gutsy, Take-No-Prisoners, Rompin'-Stompin'-Rootin'est-Tootin'est cowgirl of all time, was without a doubt, the Ranch Baroness, Victoria Barkley. In an all out, no-holds-barred, bar fight between Victoria Barkley, Ben Cartwright, Big John Cannon, and the entire Sioux nation, there's no question, Victoria would have walked out of there and sent the boys crawling back to the bunkhouse.

Barbara Stanwyck - Victoria Barkley "The Big Valley"

Linda Evans - Audra Barkley "The Big Valley"

Amanda Blake - Miss Kitty "Gunsmoke"

Melody Patterson - Wrangler Jane "F-Troop"

Jane Russell - Torch "Son of Paleface", "Paleface"

Doris Day - Calamity Jane "Calamity Jane"

Linda Cristal - Victoria Cannon "The High Chapararal"

Published May 31, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Amazing Gracie

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart
my teacher was in my class for five years.

Gracie Allen

Published June 7, 2010

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Field of Dreams

Ben Cartwright rode a Buckskin named "Buck".
Little Joe rode a Paint named "Cochise".
Hoss rode a half-thoroughbred, half-quarterhorse named "Chub."
Adam rode a 7/8 thoroughbred named "Sport".

Many thousands of my loyal readers have written and asked me of the mysterious fate of poor Sport. As many of you know, there is a mysterious fate suffered by many actors, especially children, in TV land: THEY DISAPPEAR! Poof, they're gone. Without a trace. It happened to Judy Winslow in Family Matters, The poor little thing just went up stairs and never came down. It happened to Chuck Cunningham in Happy Days. One minute he's dribbling a basketball, next minute, he's gone. Adam Cartwright supposedly left for adventures on the high seas, but I don't know, it sounds kinda' fishy (I take my puns when I can get them.) to me. It's just a bit too convenient. Anyway, he was gone, poof, without a trace, too. But what about Sport? What happened to him. Whatever may have happened to Adam, we never hear from Sport again.

But, unlike many stories in TV land, this one has a happy ending. After Adam left the Ponderosa, Sport seemed listless and lost. No one else could ride him; he hardly ate; he didn't join in any roundups. Then, one day, a mysterious man riding a great white bull named Elmer came riding onto the Ponderosa. He met Ben and told him of a new venture he was seeking capital for: all purpose, child safe adhesives. Ben and the mysterious man discussed this new project deep into the night. The next morning, Ben fronted the man all he needed for his new business. As he left, Ben, ever the keen eye for animal husbandry, noticed the kindness and close relation the man had with Elmer and wondered if he might take Sport along with him to introduce him to a new environment and lift the poor animals spirits. Seeing the horses plight, the kindhearted man eagerly agreed.

That was over 100 years ago, and the last I heard, Sport and Elmer, along with hundreds of thousands of other horses and cattle, are to this day still wandering and playing in the very fields surrounding that adhesive company. A company which, by the way, is named in honor of the mysterious stranger's beloved bull, Elmer.

The reference to 100 years confused many of my loyal readers until I explained that, in real life, the Cartwrights lived from around 1809 (Ben Cartwright's birth year) until the early 1900's. There was a serialized biography of the Cartwrights which ran on TV from September 12, 1959 to January 16, 1973.

Published June 14, 2010


 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Off To The Races

Looking back, my life seems like one long obstacle race, with me as the chief obstacle.

Jack Parr

Published June 21, 2010

 

 


ALL ARTWORK COPYRIGHT BILL WILSON 2008