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Dorf

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pippin_and_maxx_comic_archives_bush_vs_obama
 

 

 

 

Artist's Commentary
Bush vs Obama

Terms like birdie (one under par), eagle (two under par), albatross (three under par)*, and the bogey (single, double, or triple meaning one, two, or three over par respectively) are all relatively new and unfamiliar terms to me. While I did play golf for around five or six years, I never shot low enough for any of these terms to have any real meaning for me in any practical way. Not unlike the elusive muons, leptons, and gluons. Yeah, we all know that these subatomic buggers exist, we just don't have many occasions to run into them. I was much more familiar with the slice and the hook. Four comes to mind, but since I never shot a hole in the single digits, I know it didn't have anything to do with my scores.

In light of today's economic situation, one could say, on my good days I shot a Bush, shooting somewhere in the hundreds of billions. On a bad day, I shot an Obama, somewhere in the trillions. Then I moved on to the next hole.

On the plus side, I did actually kill a crow at the Niknar Country Club with a single titelist to the head. And I did hit a ball almost one hundreds yards once. The only problem was it went twenty yards forward, hit a tree, rocketed over mine and my friends heads and rolled eighty yards behind us. My friends were so impressed they all yelled four (maybe that's where it came from, some sort of a rousing hurrah) and dropped to the ground around me in reverence and awe.

*The albatross is sometimes referred to as a double eagle, but I couldn't figure out how to draw Siamese twin eagles in flight, I decided to an albatross instead.

 

Published April 6, 2009

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Bongo Bongo

Snow skiing. What can I say about snow skiing?

A chance to frolic in the snow.

A chance to wear footgear larger than Bozo the clowns loafers.

A chance to shatter any or all of the 206 bones in your body as you plunge over an icy cliff in the middle of some nameless glacier.

If you survive, a chance of wearing the latest in open backed hospital gowns while simultaneously being mummified in plaster impregnated bandages and bristling with tubes erupting from every orifice of your body.

A chance to suffer frost bite and watch as twenty one of your favorite appendages become completely numb, turn remarkable shades of blue, then purple, then black, and drop off into the snow only to be washed away with the spring thaw, wind their way down through a complex network of river systems and into the vast ocean depths, swallowed by some as yet untaxonomised sea creature, which is in turn ensnared by some native fisherman, later retrieved from among the pile of leftover innards after an all night blowout luau on Bongo Bongo, or some other as yet uncharted island in the lower latitudes, and lastly displayed as pieces of aboriginal body art, with my luck, a set of commemorative nose bones honoring the native god Nazal Muucus.

I guess you can tell I'm not much of a fan of snow skiing. Snowboarding, on the other hand, now that sounds totally knarly.

Published April 13, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Was It Something I Said?

Any time I get a chance to speak before a crowd I always offer this disclaimer: If you're not offended by something I've said here tonight, it's probably because you haven't been paying attention.

Published April 20, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Groucho 2

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
-Groucho Marx

 

Published April 27, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Ante Meridiem Ablutilizations

Begin by shaving any unwanted facial or body hair with a grist stone. Next, closely trim all fingernails and toenails with a ball peen hammer. Follow this with a nice hot lye bath. Make it a long one, and thoroughly towel dry with a cheese grater. For breakfast, I would suggest a 100% natural low fat high energy drink. Although this will probably use your entire carbon footprint allotment for the day, I suggest you take 10 Habeneros, 12 Scotch Bonnets, 9 Cayennes, and 5 Jalapenos and blend them all together in a blender. Drink the entire sause and follow with an alum chaser. Afterwards, for good dental hygiene brush your teeth with steel wool and chlorine toothpaste and gargle with La Brea tar.

I'm recommending this as the new morning ablutions for the President and his staff, along with all member of the U.S. House and Senate as well as the Supreme Court. It's important to start the day off right, and our hard working public officials need to begin their long days of well reasoned, rationally determined deliberations for our mutual governance feeling well groomed and fully energized.

Published May 4, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Circular Wisdom

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.
Laurence J. Peter

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Pete

Published May 11, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Some Useful Information

The longest nosehair ever actually recorded would be Italian Albert Santanios', which is an amazing 2.78m

Forty-three year old Frank Ames made the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest eyebrow hair, 3.078 inches, or about 7.8 centimeters.

An Indian grocer, Radhakant Baijpai, has the world's longest ear hair, measuring 10 inches (25cm) long.

I just thought you'd like to know.

Published May 18, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Home Remedies

The legal office of Pippin & Maxx offer the following disclaimer:

While earwax (cerumen), like the other forms of wax,
microcrystalline and bees, is inherently susceptible to
melting, the Pippin & Maxx company does
not recommend or endorse the use of blowtorches,
acetylene torches or flame throwers for the removal
of earwax. Neither does it endorse the use of
firecrackers, dynamite, TNT, C4,
ammonium nitrate or low yield nuclear devices for
the removal of ear or nasal blockages.

Dorf is a professional scientist and like all scientists, witch doctors and voodoo practitioners is privy to mysteries beyond that of lesser mortals. All of his scientific studies are based on computer models, which as we all know, work flawlessly.

Published May 25, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Athletic Titans

I have a reputation for being somewhat glib in my commentaries, but I really don't have anything untoward to say about bowling. It's a gentleman's game requiring top notch athletes and is one of the most exciting spectacles to watch this side of golf. Bowlers are also some of the snazziest dressers I know. Where I'm from, a formal bowling shirt is good enough to get you into any black tie event. Shoe rentals also just make good fashion as well as hygienic sense. Why would you buy a pair of shoes, when you can rent any of a myriad of similarly colored shoes, approximately your size, and chocked full of bacteria sure to kill any fungus or infection which has taken a toehold, literally, on your pedal extremities.

Lastly, by now you all know I have a real weakness for the babes. As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to sports chicks, you can keep your Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders or your all girls beach volley ball teams. When it comes to the promised land of bodacious babes, there's no greater feast for the eye nor opportunity for stimulating intellectual discourse, this side of a roller derby rink, of course, than the parking lot of a bowling alley.

 

Published June 1, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Procreation, Fibs, and Eight Track Tapes

If you think this is a tacky and tasteless thing to do to the Sixteenth Chapel, you don't want to know what Maxx did to the first fifteen.

And don't even try and tell me you didn't have someone in your family who used to play 'pull my finger'. My wife taught preschool for twenty year to the children of doctors, lawyers, educators, and politicians. Pull my finger was about the most tame thing the children reported as a common practice at their homes. Because Pippin & Maxx is rated PG, I'm not at liberty to reveal anything else. We are, however, planning on retiring on the proceeds/ donations/ hush money we plan on receiving for the master tapes we've accumulated of her students sharing their family secrets.


Published June 8, 2009


 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
I Can't Even Spell It

I know it seems I'm picking on fishing and fisherman; I'm really not. Philosophically, I have no problem with either hunting or fishing. I grew up doing both. I've baited hooks, cleaned fish, and skinned game. It's just that I don't want to get up at three o'clock in the morning, unless it's to travel a very long distance to pick up my lottery winnings. And if getting a sunburn doesn't include a landscape filled with bikinis, I pass.

As far as getting eaten by insects is concerned, I figure they can have my decomposing body after I'm through with it. That pretty much takes care of the fauna side of hunting and fishing. Where the flora is concerned, I've never strung barbed wire more ferocious, more tenacious, more nasty than the thorny, prickly, spiky, pointy monstrosities which inhabit the Mississippi woods and coastlines. And I'm so allergic to poi--n iv-, that I can't even fully type the words out for fear of contracting it from the keyboard.


Published June 15, 2009


 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
1,000,000 PSI

The sea otter has the thickest fur of any animal with about 400,000 hairs per square centimeter or 1,000,000 hairs per square inch. Depending on the breed, dogs have between 1,000 and 60,000 per square inch. If my carpet is any indication, every breed I ever owned must of been part sea otter.

On their heads, the average human has about 700 hairs psi. Some of us have about three hairs psi on the tops of our heads, but we do, however, make up for this follicular deficiency with millions upon millions of long luxuriant tufts of fur growing from our ears and nasal passages.


Published June 22, 2009


 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Swim At Your Own Risk


The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. ~David Gerrold


Published June 29, 2009

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Grin and Bare It

According to myth, Zeus asked Hephaestus to split his head open after suffering a terrible headache and Athena, goddess of wisdom, hero's, and war sprang from his head fully clad in armor. I've asked many women about the experience of child birth and they've all assured me when it comes to 'birthin' babies', Zeus got off pretty easy.

Maybe, but just between us guys, I think women just need to suck it up a little. I mean, come on, how hard can it be to push six, or eight, or ten pounds out of your body. Good grief, some women say they've taken as long 24, 36, even 48 hours to do it. Well, there's your problem ladies. Foolin' around. If it was one of us guys, we'd just take a few breaths, give a quick heave and get it over with. Let's face it, if it's going to take you two days to do something, obviously you're not that dissatisfied with the process.


Published July 6, 2009


 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Groucho 3

Women should be obscene and not heard.
-Groucho Marx


Published July 13, 2009

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Vacation Preparation

Bath seldom, change clothes rarely, brush and floss infrequently, apply deodorant irregularly and sparsely.
This is the secret to a care free, hassle free vacation. Heck, for that matter, it's the secret to a care free, hassle free lifestyle.


Published July 20, 2009

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
The First Law

Many people put their faith in science. Personally, I'm a voodoo man all the way. I know for a fact that the laws of physics are completely without merit and any time I doubt it, when I'm on vacation, my bladder is always kind enough to remind me. For instance, take the First Law of Thermodynamics commonly referred to as the Law of the Conservation of Matter. It states that within a closed system neither matter nor its equivalent of energy can be created or destroyed, only altered.

Well, that's utter baloney. If that were the case then I couldn't possibly consume 8 oz., yes 8 oz., that's what I said, 8 and only 8 oz. of orange juice for breakfast an hour before I get on a airplane and for the next 4, 6, or 8 hours proceed to evacuate, liquidate, micturate, tinkleate, however polite way you want to put it, two and a half gallons of--- of---, well, you know, stuff!

When I go on a trip, I'm in a perpetual state of dehydration because I stop ingesting all liquids a minimum of twenty-four hours in advance. Science is a crock! Well, it may actually apply to some remote part of the universe, but it has absolutely no applicable relationship to my urinary tract. Voodoo, I'm telling you, it's all based on voodoo.


Published July 27, 2009

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
Trolls and Tolls

Please don't get the idea that the team of Pippin & Maxx in any way endorse fairy tales. These brutal fables, myths, and allegories feed the public's common misconceptions and prejudices and seem to invariably prescribe the most draconian and regressive measures to deal with simple misunderstandings.

For instance, a troll is not bad simply because it charges the toll of one life of one goat for every goat that wishes to pass over his bridge. And assaulting said troll with a stomach butt into the icy cold river below is certainly an over reaction.

Secondly, the appropriate response to the culinary overtures of cannibal witches is never for vigilante children to push the poor dears into the very ovens they were going to use to bake the afore mentioned children in. How about a compromise? Give the witch one of the children's extra appendages to tide her over. Come on. Two kids, four legs. Do the math. As any three legged race competitor will testify, one of those legs is simply superfluous.

And finally, employing the services of axe men, lumber jacks, loggers (or other molesters of the pristine virginal woodlands) to use their implements of destruction to dissect a poor lupine creature merely because he chose to dine on someone's geriatric relative is simply unacceptable and barbaric to the extreme.

 

Published August 10, 2009

 

 

 

 

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Artist's Commentary
This Has Been A Paid Announcement

This cartoon was brought to you by the Kan-I-Bal I-Land Turis Burro and Thom's Tikki Torch Signs. The Kan-I-Bal I-Land Turis Burro is a major sponsor of all Pippin & Maxx adventures and is also an active partner with Good Intentions Travel Agency for all of your eternal travel needs. And if you have a business, civic, or non profit organization who needs to get a message across, or if you just have some mindless drivel you'd like to foist on the rest of the world, heck, for that matter, maybe you'd just like to slander someone on a large scale to the maximum number of people, just give Thom's Tikki Torch Signs a call.

 

Published August 17, 2009

 

 

 


ALL ARTWORK COPYRIGHT BILL WILSON 2008