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Artist's Commentary
The Legend of BloodyMary

We've all heard the legend. Go into the bathroom, turn off the lights so that it's completely black, then look into a mirror and chant "Bloody Mary" three times. As you chant, you should slowly turn around three times and your voice should get increasingly louder until you're nearly screaming. When you open your eyes, Bloody Mary will appear and scratch your face off.

There are, of course, endless variations on when to do it: midnight, Halloween, etc., and variations on the number of turns and direction. Some call for complete darkness, others for the mirror to be illuminated by a single candle. The names vary as well: Mary Worth, Mary Worthington, Hell Mary, Bloody Bones, etc. There's also the legend of the Candy Man with the glowing eyes, the Lady in White and even the dreaded Blue Baby. But all of these are variations on the famous Bloody Mary.

The origin of the legend of the revenant witch who appears and stabs, mauls, or rips the face off of those people, usually adolescents between the ages of 9 and 12, who have nothing better to do than go around summoning homicidal ghosts, have several sources. Some say it's a witch who was burned at the stake for plying her craft, others that it's the maniacle spirit of some unfortunate woman horribly mangled in an accident, usually a car wreck.

For those non Anglofiles out there, please don't confuse this Bloody Mary with the Bloody Mary who was the Queen of England. That was Queen Mary I who reigned from 1553-1558. Legend has it that to preserve her beauty she bathed in the blood of slaughtered virgins. Same room, different activity. And, if you are planning on trying this yourself, this may be the best room for it. Summoning up a spook, spectre, ghost, witch, revenant, demon or Satan himself so near the "facilities" may just save you the embarrassing trouble of having to explain a case of very soiled underwear to your mother should said apparition appear.

The point of all I've just said is really moot though owing to the fact that you could never convince Maxx to do any of this stuff anyway, because he's learned from bitter past experience that once someone in his family appears, you can never get rid of them.

Published November 19, 2007










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Artist's Commentary

Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality. People can hear voices or see weird things, or they can become delusional and get some really strange ideas about what's going on around them. In my extensive, exhaustive, and scholarly research on this subject I've found one disturbing pattern in all of the medical opinions, they seem to think psychosis is a bad idea.

Why? Who are all these Ph.D.'s to tell me that? I have a lot of experience with psychosis and I've come to the conclusion it can be your best friend. For instance, I'm not paranoid about everyone who's out to get me.

My psychiatrists, psychologist, psychoanalysts, group therapists, and acupuncturists all agree I'm no more neurotic than the average house cat. But, come to think of it, I'm pretty apathetic about their opinions, so, never mind that.

My multiple personalities are great, so long as they all get along with one another. And mine almost always do.

"No we don't."

Yes you do!

As far a dementia goes, if there were no demented artists, where would we be? I'll tell you. No Weird Al Yankovic, no Spike Jones, no Dr. Demento. Music might as well be dead. And as for cinema, how about Vincent Price, Wes Craven and Elvira Mistress of the Dark? Cinematic geniuses all! Why, without Elvira, cinema might as well shut its proverbial doors and everybody just sit around reading books. And speaking of books, what about Dante? Just take a little trip into the Divine Comedy. There's stuff in there that could scare the ugly right off of Ozzy Osbourne. And without the contributions of artists like Thomas Kinkade, we'd never know what subterranean depths the twisted mind can plunge.

Need a cure for melancholy? Here's mine. Any time I get depressed I just crank up a little Alice Cooper or Pat Boone on the stereo (they're both fairly interchangeable), cut on reruns of Elvira or the Partridge Family on the tube (they both rank about the same in the twisted, macabre category), set the mood with the black light I got from an old roller skating rink they were tearing down next door and thumb through my favorite set of Thomas Kinkade limited addition beverage coasters I bought at a garage sale. A few hours of that, and I'm ready to face the crazy mixed up world outside my bedroom.

I know that many of my schizophrenic episodes are a welcome delight. Usually the discussions I have with the voices in my head are the most intelligent conversations I have all day. Our dialogs are filled with pithy sayings, quick witticisms, and---.

What?... No, I hadn't forgotten.
I... No. I'll get to that later...
You ask me that every time and I always tell you,
I'll get to it. Look, don't make me have to---.

Oh, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, ...dazzling repartee, and penetrating wisdom mixed with clear, cogent, and insightful commentary on world events.

Finally, without the occasional forays into psychotic fits, I'd never have known the joys of synesthesia, although I do detest the smell of the letter M. I also think the color of b flat is a bit garish, but, all in all...

What?... Really? I had no idea.
No way. Well, how cool is that? Hey, I know, let's all...

Oh, sorry, I gotta' go. The voices just invited me to the coolest party. If you can find a way inside my head, you're all welcome to join in.

Published November 27, 2007





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Artist's Commentary
Rock Collection

I know you're all just as morally outraged as I am with Maxx's attitude. I know that none of us have ever shown up to work while running a raging fever. And there's no way any of us would ever even consider dropping our kids off at school thirty minutes after they've upchucked all over the place, because we just couldn't miss that big meeting. So, let's all get our collective stones together and hurl a couple of them at Maxx. I know I'm going to.

Published December 3, 2007









Artist's Commentary
How To Win An Oscar

The FCC contacted Pippin and Maxx this week and informed us that if Prophet ever appears on radio or television we would be in serious trouble. I was informed in the strongest terms possible that words and phrases such as repent, sin, sovereignty of God, divine judgment, wrath of God and hell were considered racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, in violation of animal rights, adds to the ozone hole, and is probably chocked full of trans fats. They were, therefore, classified as hate speech and subject to prosecution.

The lady who wrote me was, however, gracious enough to give me substitutionary words when, or if, Prophet ever made it to the airways. On the short list were: words associated with any bodily function normally associated with a toilet; any word for human copulation, as long as it began with an f; hell and damn, as long as any religious connotations were removed; bastard*, as long as it did not refer to a file. These, she wrote, were not only acceptable, but encouraged in order to add a sense of "down home earthiness" (whatever that means) to his monologues. For creative uses of the aforementioned words and phrases she directed me to HBO, Cinemax, MTV, BET, Spike TV, Disney and the Family Channel.

In reference to the divine we were informed that if he, she, it, or any permutation thereof must be mentioned, G.D. and J.C. (only if used in the exclamatory) are, of course, popular favorites and could be used in any context. The more creative their useage, the more likely one was in winning an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony or Golden Globe.

I asked her if defaming deities was acceptable, could those not associated with Christianity be used. She replied that that would be considered culturally insensitive, blasphemous, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic... (well you can just refer to the earlier list)... and would therefore be subject to prosecution.

*Bastard \Bas"tard\, n. - file \File\, n. Files are steel instruments with ridges or teeth used for abrading or smoothing other substances. They come in a number of grades from smooth to coarse. Sandwiched in between smooth and coarse are the second-cut, cross-cut and bastard files. The bastard file is the intermediate file between the cross-cut and the coarse files.

Published December 10, 2007









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Artist's Commentary
Louder and Slower

Bilingual seems to be a relative term. For the most part, people tend to consider others to be bilingual only if they can speak the listener's native tongue. To be fair, Dorf can speak many Bovinese languages and several Minotaurian languages as well. The problem is that while Dorf can speak Brown Swiss, Charolais, and Guernsey (in both the Bovine and Minotaurian dialects) this is, of course, a Santa Gertrudis minotaur. The Santa Gertrudis minotaurs consider other dialects and languages to be inferior and down right barbarous. So, despite Dorf's extensive linguistical proficiency, as far as a Santa Gertrudis minotaur is concerned, he might as well be a mute.

This is probably unnecessary, but for those few of you out there who may be unfamiliar with the fine art of plowing with cattle: shouting gee means turn right, haw means turn left, and whoa means stop.

Published December 17, 2007



















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Artist's Commentary
The Pony Tailed Fiends of Mass Destruction

There's always the debate over nature versus nurture. Maxx, being a Grump, is by nature a bit on the morally ambiguous side, but many can trace his steepest moral decline to the day he fell in with the wrong crowd. That was the day he began to hang out with the girls on the elementary school playground. Instantly, his baser nature was overwhelmed by the sing song chants which accompanied their jump roping rituals. Below are just a few of the violence prone, anti-social, cliche forming, macabre rhymes these, ribbon bedecked, pink ruffled, lace covered, powder puffing, fiends endlessly chant in their ritualized bonding behavior.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more.
Icha bacha, soda cracker,
Icha bacha boo.
Icha bacha, soda cracker, out goes you,
Dirty, dish-rag, Y-O-U!

This is obviously a call to social stratification based on fashion (dish-rags can make wonderful garments) and hygiene (what's a little dirt between friends). Fashion and hygiene are subjects which boys, by the way, are completely and blessedly ignorant.

Coca cola went to town,
Pepsi cola shot him down,
Dr. Pepper fixed him up,
Now he's drinking Seven Up.

Obviously, this is a not so veiled cynical marketing ploy using the threat of violence in product endorsement. Do you see how twentieth century American capitalists in cahoots with the military industrial complex in their bid for world domination are undermining the economies of third world countries by paying off these playground princesses to stifle global competition?

Engine engine number nine
going down Chicago line.
If that train should jump the track,
do you want your money back?

Notice how wanton destruction and loss of life are so cavalierly ignored while the almighty dollar is encouraged to be placed at the top of one's priorities.

Early in the morning late at night,
Two dead boys had a fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
Two deaf policeman heard the noise
and came to get the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too.
He lives down the corner and around the block,
in a two story building on a vacant lot.

Macabre, simply macabre. Few boys can even understand what girls are thinking about when they come up with such stuff.

Ring around the rosie
a pocket full of posy
upstair, downstairs,
we all fall down,

Leave it to a group of unsupervised little girls to turn the Black Death into a rousing free-for-all bordering on a shindig.

Miss Molly had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell (toot toot)
Miss Molly went to heaven, the steamboat went to...
HELL-O operator, please give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the...
Behind the shower curtain there was a piece of glass,
Miss Molly sat upon it and hurt her little...
ASS-k me no more questions, please tell me no more lies,
The boys are in the washroom, pulling up their...
FLIES are in the city, the bees are in the park,
Miss Molly and her boyfriend are kissing in the d-a-r-k d-a-r-k DARK DARK DARK.
The dark is like a movie, a movie's like a show,
A show is like a video and that is all I...
Know. I know my Ma, I know my Pa.
My Ma was born in London,
My Pa was born in France,
And I was born in hospital without my underpants.
My Ma went back to London,
My Pa went back to France,
I went back to hospital to get my underpants!!

I hardly know where to begin with this one. Unrestrained vulgarity, potty humor, and a call for mixed marriages (the British mixing with the French? Appalling!) and family abandonment. This is a rousing paean to violence, a riotous canticle of chaos, a reckless ode to mayhem, a rabid hymn of corruption.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, if you look throughout history: the fall of the Roman empire, the disappearance of the Olmecs and Toltecs; the destruction of the Maya and the Inca; the dissolution of the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes; the disintegration of the Huns, the Mongols, the Ottoman Turks, the Goths, the Visigoths and the Vandals, all around the world, the collapse of every freedom loving, peaceful society can almost certainly be laid at the ballet slippered, toe tapping, mama's-high-heeled-wearing feet of little girls.

Published December 24, 2007


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Artist's Commentary

After Ciacco (Canto VI), Farinatta degli Uberti (Canto X), and now Brunetto Latino prophesizes Dante's exile and suffering, Dante replies:

This much I would have you know; so long, I say,
as nothing in my conscience troubles me
I am prepared for Fortune, come what may.

Twice already in the eternal shade
I have heard this prophecy let Fortune turn
her wheel as she please, and the countryman his spade.

The Divine Comedy: The Inferno, Canto 15, line 95

Published December 31, 2007

























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Artist's Commentary
Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.

That's a line from the song I Never Promised You A Rose Garden by one of country music's most beautiful and talented ladies, Lynn Anderson.

Not many people realize the deep theological truths and life's lessons one can learn from country music. For those of you in need of spiritual enlightenment I've included just a few.

I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)

I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
by Jerry Reed

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Written by Phil Earhart (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)

One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain't Gonna Be There)

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP)

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
by Johnny Cash

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
Written by Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley (BMI)

My Phone Ain't been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe

I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance
to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me

by Rev. Billy C. Wirtz

If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now

If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

You Can't Haul a U-Haul Into Heaven
written by Clark-Mac-Northrup (ASCAP)

It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
by Tracy Lawrence (ASCAP)

Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me

I Still Miss You Baby...  But My Aim is Getting Better

If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl
by Tommy Collins (BMI)

If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Published January 7, 2008









Artist's Commentary
A New Chivalric Code

It is a scientifically proven fact that a ton of feathers weighs much more than a ton of bricks. The proof is self evident. How many people spend days, even weeks, hauling loads of brick or moving heavy furniture only to bend over to pick up a piece of lint or make up a bed and immediately slip a disc? My suggestion for all the men out there who truly love their spouses, children, girlfriends, etc., or who really care for the elderly and those with physical disabilities is very simple. Do the gallant thing in the future. Allow your elderly grandmother to haul off that load of bricks and debris cluttering up her yard. Give the kids the ax and saw and allow them to cut and haul the fire wood. The next time there's heavy furniture to move, allow your wife or girlfriend to move it. You stick with the dangerous stuff. If there's a pillow to be fluffed; jump to it. If there's lint of the floor; you pick it up. It's the man's job to take the risks of daily life upon himself and spare the weaker, more vulnerable members of society those dangers. Now guys, go out there and slay a few dragons, or if it entails any heavy lifting, allow your wife to do it while you hold the TV remote and spare her the danger of a serious shoulder injury..

Published January 14, 2008


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Artist's Commentary
A.D.or C.E.?

I overheard a vertically challenged sanitation engineer tell a parasitically oppressed utensil sanitizer that in this year of 2008 C.E. it was insensitive to call perceptively selective persons, crazy, socially misaligned persons, psychotic, the chemically challenged, drug addicts, non-traditionally ordered persons, sloppy, or those who have had deferred success, bums.

Published January 21, 2008










Artist's Commentary
The Body Beautiful

Many people are appalled at the contests Grumps engage in. Face smashing is one of the tamer by far. Of course, Grumps think it quite strange when they see humans decorating themselves by gouging large holes in their various body parts and then hanging jewelry from the wound. Grumps are also simply brimming with self esteem and therefore see no need in altering their exquisite features by lying prostrate for hours while someone takes a needle, pricks their skin hundreds of thousands of times, and injects colored inks into the traumatized dermis. And while you might find a Grump lava surfing, shark riding, and playing tornado chicken, you'll never find one crazy enough to hire a personal trainer, enroll in a gym, or go "under the knife" for a tummy tuck, a collagen injection or the augmentation of anything.

Published January 28, 2008












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Artist's Commentary
No, But I Play One On T.V.

Drs. Chi, Rho, and Practor are three of my all time favorite physicians. Others would include Rodney Dangerfield's personal physician Dr. Vinny Boombatz and Samantha Steven's magical medical practitioner Dr. Bombay. My favorite surgeon would have been Jethro Bodine, nephew of Jed Clampett. Jethro always aspired to be a brain surgeon, but what with all his double naught spy work and being an international playboy, he hardly had the time. That being the case, I settled on Major Frank Burns who served a distinguished career in Korea healing the wounded, while simultaneously defending the institution of marriage and graciously mentoring lessor surgeons like Captains Trapper John and Hawkeye Pierce. My favorite nurse of all time would without a doubt be Hee Haw's Nurse Goodbody played by the lovely and talented Mrs. Gunilla Hutton.

Published February 4, 2008









Artist's Commentary

Numbers can get pretty large and unwieldy. Most of us in our daily lives don't run into numbers with more than a few zeroes in them, but if you ever have the unfortunate task of trying to understand how the government is taxing and spending your money, insurance companies are collecting and spending your premiums and hospitals are figuring out your bills, then you'll probably run into numbers like the vigintillion with 63 zeroes 1063, the centillion with between 303, 10303 , and 600 zeroes, 10600 , depending on what country you're from, and the googolplex which is ten to the tenth power to the one hundredth power 1010 100 .

Published February 11, 2008















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Artist's Commentary
Curry and Basmati

If you're tired of the same old Rice Krispie Treats, I've found a couple of recipes you might like.

Curried Rice Krispie Squares


3 tablespoons of butter

10 ounces of marshmallows 

6 cups of Rice Krispies

Add 2 tablespoons of curry powder and 1/2 cup of toasted, salted sunflower seeds to the melted marshmallows while stirring well. Spread them in a pan, let cool and cut into squares.


Basmati Rice Krispie Treats

Ingredients :

2 cups unpuffed Basmati rice

one bag of puffed marshmallows (about 40 mallows)



butter (or Pam)

garlic to taste


1) Puff the Basmati rice in a medium sized puffer.

2) Melt the Marshmallows and butter in a large sauce pan.  Add a pinch of Saffron and a few scrapings of fresh cardamom seeds to the mix.

3) Without creasing the edges fold the puffed Basmati rice into the mix.

4) Pour mix into a pan.

5) Let cool.

6) Garnish with thinly sliced garlic cloves.

7) Really good with eggplant lassi.

Published February 18, 2008